Prayer

"I am often, I believe, praying for others when I should be doing things for them. It's so much easier to pray for a bore than to go and see him. And the other is like unto it. Suppose I pray that you may be given grace to withstand your besetting sin. Well, all the work has to be done by God and you. If I pray against my own besetting sin there will be work for me. One sometimes fights shy of admitting an act to be a sin for this very reason."  C.S. Lewis

After a long hiatus, I have begun praying again on a regular basis.  (The last 3 days counts as a beginning, doesn't it?)  I started again on Saturday morning when I woke up early after an emotional dream I had about my grandfather.  Dad called me on Thanksgiving - grandad had fallen and the family had decided to put him in a nursing home.  He has been slowly succumbing to dementia over the last few years.  Grandma can no longer care for him.  I had some bizarre dream about grandpa and woke up crying.  I took the opportunity to pray for him and for grandma.  The quote from CS hits home, though.  I think I'm praying more from my own guilt than anything else.  By some great fortune, I still have all four of my grandparents and yet I do not write them or call on any kind of regular basis.  I don't really have any excuses for not doing so - my cellphone at work has unlimited minutes and no long distance charges.  Grandma K had a massive stroke earlier this year.  Grandma B is going deaf.  I'm sure that any and all of them would be happy to hear from me, but I don't really want to have to talk to them.  I don't want to deal with the sadness of old age and dying. 

I think part of what makes me so sad about grandpa B is that he was such a brilliant man.  From him I learned about electrical wiring.  He was an engineer with Boeing and worked on a number of projects for NASA during their heyday.  Now his mind is slowly being taken from him.  That terrifies me.  I find my own mind to not nearly be as sharp as it used to be.  I've grown lazy.  I watch too much television.  Will I share the same fate as grandpa?

And so, my prayer leads me to action.  I need to write grandpa a letter to say thanks for all the things I learned from him.  I need to talk to dad about my fears.  Another quote attributed to Lewis (which I couldn't find on the quotes site) is (paraphase):  I pray, not because it changes God, but because prayer changes me. 

I'm frustrated with who I am at 35 years of age.  When I was 20, things seemed so much clearer.  Black was black and white was white.  Now I see so many shades of grey.  My wife has seemed to be able to keep that clarity, but I've lost it somehow.  That bugs me.  Nothing is easy anymore.  There are no clear answers.  I still struggle with the same crap I've struggled with for 20 years.  I'm a "great" guy, but not a person of impact.  Like China, I have a lot of potential, but my I can't seem to get my life together to realize that potential. 

Maybe I don't want to realize my potential.  Maybe it's too much work.  I'd rather sleep in.  I'd rather watch TV. 

-Todd