Independence Day

It's been a long time since I actually wrote something here.

I think I got burned a few years back when I revealed a bit too much and my wife got angry with me. I have to say that trying to keep your struggles and failures all secret and such is a lousy way to live. At least for me. Maybe that's one of the reasons I like the kind of improv we do at Massive. At it's best you are challenged to be real and vulnerable. I share things that are important to me. My flaws. My victories. Mostly these things come out in rehearsals. Sometimes they come out in shows. Audiences are usually clueless when the characters you portray are very close to yourself. They can definitely identify with those kinds of characters, though.

Last night Shondra and I watched "The Garden State." I'd seen it once before and wasn't terribly moved by it, but last night I was. The characters and the story are pretty standard romantic comedy, but it has several moments of very clear honesty and transparency. There's a scene when Zack Braft and Natalie Portman are talking late at night sitting in the bathtub where Zack's mother probably killed herself a few nights before. He's vulnerable and shares some things that he's been learning and thinking. It really hit me hard. I've had several of those kind of moments in my life. Mostly during my adolescence. Those moments when you take a chance and share those ugly parts of yourself that you think no one will ever understand and will probably cause all of your friends and family to disown you. And then the person you are with shares those same ugly parts of themselves with you and you realize that all of us are the same. And you realize that you are not alone.

It's been a long time since Shondra and I have shared those kinds of moments. Early in our marriage I shared my flaws with Shondra and she was hurt by them deeply. As a result I find that there are areas of my life that I hide from her because I'm afraid she will be hurt by them. I'm afraid she won't understand. That deeply pains me. This is the person on earth whom I love the most. The person above all others who I want to share the deepest secrets of my soul. And I find that I can't.

Somehow I think that this is probably a common experience as a marriage progresses. Initially we are so infatuated with each other that we find it much easier to overlook each other's faults. Then as we grow closer those faults begin to really affect us and cause us pain. We lash out at each other and then we no longer feel safe being ourselves with each other.

This is the deepest pain in my life right now. This is the person who I love the most. This is the person with whom I struggle the most to just be myself.