Delivering Pizza and the foolishness of Pride

My wife and I are on a get out of debt track. Much beans and rice have been eaten with probably much more to come. I don't mind the beans and rice, actually. It's the humble pie that is a bit hard to swallow.

I make good money, and yet, month to month, the money is really tight. I've got two late model cars, one with over 200,000 miles on it. I want to buy a newer car (~$4,000) but I'm scraping just to come up with my property taxes by the end of the year.

Our house fire last year has left us with a few loose ends that require some money to finalize. Christmas is coming and the budget is pretty tight.

All that to say that I've been looking for some ways to make some extra cash. I applied for some teaching opportunities at a local community college, but nothing is panning out. The pizza joint around the corner from my house has been looking for delivery drivers for the last six months. I've picked up an application twice now, but a small part of my soul dies when I think about taking a pizza delivery job. I mean, I'm 38 years old. I have an MBA. I am above that kind of thing, right?

That small part of my soul... PRIDE. Actually, it's a much bigger part of my soul than I care to admit. But I'm sick of that sorry SOB. I'm turning in the application. I'm also posting this on my blog. Hey, pride. Suck it.

Mysterious Ways

It's been a while since I've really had a good talk with God. I've been busy, or I laze around in bed for too long, or, frankly, I just choose to ignore Him.

Yesterday my pastor spoke about God's desire for us to celebrate life. To celebrate Him. I've felt lately that I've been a failure to my Savior. My life isn't one that stands out or is full of the miraculous power of God. (Actually it is, I just don't want to look deep enough to see it).

Today on the bus ride in I listened to a sermon on Esther, and I was reminded that we all are called by God. We all have a mission in life. But we also have a "shadow mission," that more selfish use of our time and talents that we tend towards. Our true mission requires effort and self-sacrifice. It calls us to do that which is beyond us.

I've been on my shadow mission of late. Coasting through life. As I hopped the train to the med center, I switched my mp3 player over to a Joan Osborne album. God used it to speak to me - first through "Crazy Baby." Here's a smattering of the lyrics:

"Oh you're getting really hard to be with, and you're crying everytime you turn around, and you wonder why you cannot pick your head up, off the ground. Oh my crazy baby, try to hold on tight. Oh my crazy baby, don't put out the light."

It really spoke to me as I contemplated life without God, following my "shadow" mission. Just a selfish focus on myself and my small little world. It's a tiring way to live. It sucks the life out of you.

And then, my player kicked over to "Ladder" and God was clearly telling me directly "I'm gonna love you anyway, today and everyday, today and everyday" in the chorus. That's something He keeps reminding me. I can choose my path, and my path choice does nothing to affect how He does feel or will feel about me. His love for me never changes. And that is life changing.