Biological Clock

Apparently my biological clock is ticking. This isn't supposed to happen to guys, is it?

The wife and I have had the 'gloves off' for about 2 years and we're still childless. I wouldn't really say we're "trying" to have children, but we're not trying not to, if you get my double negative. We're both approaching 40, so our window of opportunity is getting narrower.

I feel this weird tension. It's nice not to have kids. I stay up late playing video games or watching the tube with my sweet wife. We sleep in on weekends and eat tortilla chips for dinner. On the other hand... it's hard to explain. My heart is just sad.

Yesterday while delivering pizza, I saw a father outside washing his car with his son and daughter. It wasn't some glorious fatherhood moment, but my heart just started aching.

One of the girls I work with found out she's pregnant recently. She's pretty young and newly married (one year anniversary coming up soon). She seems happy, but I know it has to be pretty scary for her and her husband. Neither of them have college degrees and both work at Papa John's. I know the money's got to be pretty tight. Initially I just felt angry when I found out she was pregnant.

Oh - my sister is pregnant too. She's a couple years younger than me and already has one daughter. That just pisses me off.

Several of my friends (and relatives who are friends :) have blogs which I read regularly. They all post pics of their kids with pithy kid stories. I really enjoy reading about their child-rearing escapades... their triumphs and their tragedies. But it also makes my heart ache.

Financially, the wife and I are just starting to make some headway. Whenever I think about having kids, I just see the bills stacking up in my mind. Clothing. Toys. Food. Diapers. Baby Wipes. More Clothes. More Food. I don't want to work at Papa John's for the rest of my life. I don't want to have kids and only get to spend a couple of hours a week with them (I have a feeling my wife doesn't want to have kids and only get a couple of hours a week AWAY from them.)

I appreciate your comments, but please don't say "having kids is totally worth it" or even "childlessness rocks!" This post isn't about deciding whether to have kids. I'm just hashing out this moment. Instead of being surprised by these feelings, or just reacting to them, I'm using this post to be at home with them.

This is me, today. The clock is ticking.