The Blues

I've been pretty blue these last few days. I turned thirty-five two
weeks ago, and I guess part of it has been that I hoped to be in a
different space by this time in my life. I continue to struggle to
make ends meet. I have a car that's constantly on the fritz. My
wife's car is in need of a tuneup. The house needs work... oh, and
the cat litter needs to be changed again today.

I guess mostly that I'm dissapointed. When I was in my 20s, I had
dreams of finding a wonderful woman (which I have) and having children
and teaching them science and fishing. I had expectations about
making a big difference in the world.

Now I find instead that it is the world which has made a difference in
me. My idealism has begun to be replaced by cynicism. My hope for
the future replaced by a despair that things will remain unchanged.

I found some Christian grunge rock available for download online, and
I've been listening to it. I'm reminded that this life isn't the end.
This isn't it. I want so many things. I want a new iPod, I want
other cool gadgets for my wife and I. I want a slick new car and
house. I want a beautiful baby like so many of my friends seem to be
having right now. When I take inventory I find that I am lacking so
many of these things. But, I am reminded that all of them are things.

I'm also reminded that I deserve absolutely nothing. Thirty-five
years continues to teach me that. I continue to struggle with an
addicition to pornography which is debilitating to myself and to my
wife. I continue to find myself self-absorbed and self-focused. And
yet, I have so much. A job which is challenging and fulfilling.
Friends and a wife who I can share my broken heart with and will
support me and hold me close. I still just can't shake that feeling
that I'm just a bad person.

The music has reminded me (and God, through the music has reminded me)
that It's not about me and what I do or have done. Jesus, my savior,
took care of that a long time ago. It's not about what I pile up for
myself here - the gadgets I own or the money I have in the bank. It's
about being with God. It's about BEING.

Thanks God -

Todd

Moving to the Weekend

Rehearsal last night was another good one. We opened with real conversations and people weren't afraid to go deep. It's funny how all of our own problems seem so complex, but when we share them with others they seem to be so commonplace. We are all so different, but so much the same.

The disconnect between the work we do at rehearsal and during actually performances bothers me. Our work during rehearsal seems to be at a significantly higher level than that of our performances. I find it difficult to translate what I know from rehearsal into performance and I'm not sure why. I go for hack moves, cheap laughs. I actually have placed a restriction on myself this week - no swearing. Just a personal goal to be more aware of my use of language, but I noticed it had some beneficial effects during rehearsal last night. I was forced to think more about what I said. I was forced to make intelligent choices and go a bit deeper than I
normally would. I used to bring a notebook to shows and write down a few intentions for the show before we started. I think I need to start doing that again. It helped me have a focus - to specifically be aware of some area to work on and develop.

I just bumped into a former co-worker and friend. He's going through the ringer and just dropped by to see if I was around to talk to. I don't know the guy that well, and it makes me sad to think that I'm on the top of his list of people to talk to. It makes me sad to think he doesn't have better friends than me. It kind of reinforces some ongoing negative thinking. My
b-day is this weekend, and last night my wife asked what I wanted to do. I'd like to have a party, but I only have 2 friends I can think of that I would invite. I have a lot of "friends" at work and through improv, but if I took a job or stopped improvising, I'm pretty sure those friendships would quickly fade. They are friendships based on mutual interests. I guess most people are that way. I guess I should be thankful that I have 2 enduring friends - people I know would be there if everything I have and I am fell away. That's a pretty rare kind of friend to have.