Thoughts on that Jesus guy

Lately I've been re-reading a book that really means a lot to me. It's "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller.

I'm a Christian. I'm ashamed to say I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. Frankly, I have a hard time identifying with the Christian establishment here in the USA. I wonder if Jesus feels the same way.

God talks to me sometimes. Not an audible voice, or some thunder from the heavens. When He speaks it is through my own thoughts. It's only when I'm quiet enough or frustrated enough with things that I take the time to listen. It's never like "Todd, put down that remote and listen up. This is God speaking!" It's more like, "Quit being so hard on yourself. I like you the way you are."

I tend to brush those thoughts off. I prefer to remind myself of my faults and think of ways I can stop doing the stuff that continues to make a mess of my life. By the way, thinking of ways to stop doing that stuff doesn't work. I've been trying that method for the last 37 years, and if anything, I'm worse off as time goes on.

See there is this thing that Jesus brought on the scene called grace. It basically says, "Yeah, I know who you are. Everything - I know it all. And I still want to hang out with you." I really have a hard time getting that. As I get older, I get more and more familiar with myself and my motives and such. The more I know the more depressed I get, because basically I'm a self-absorbed person. What in the world is there to like about me? And that's just it. Lately when God talks to me He says stuff about how much He likes me. I have a hard time believing that.

I'm reminded (as I read "Blue Like Jazz") that the reason I don't want to believe it is because I prefer to be in control. I want to make myself somebody who is worthy of being liked by God. I want to be like Mother Theresa, but with balls. I want God to say, "Dude, check out Todd. That guy rocks. How could I possibly do without this guy?" Kind of cocky.

And yet, I don't like being around cocky people. People who love to talk about themselves and their achievements. People who talk about their amazing children who went to Harvard at age 5 and started a business at 10.

I enjoy people who are gritty and real. People who make mistakes and can laugh at themselves. I can relate to those people. From what I read about Jesus, he likes those people too. His closest friends were tax collectors and fishermen... and hopefully a Systems Analyst at MD Anderson.