Forgiveness

I was deeply moved this morning by the "All Things Considered" podcast from the BBC. In the cast, Roy Jenkins, one of the men responsible for the 1984 bombing of the Grand Hotel in Bristol, talks with Jo Berry, the daughter of one of the men killed in the bombing.

Jo Berry's willingness to reach out to the man who killed her father... to try to understand him and his reasons for doing what he did humbled me deeply. She was driven to see his point of view. To understand him and his own humanity. At one point in the interview she is asked whether she has forgiven Roy for what he did, she replies that she has not, but she has come to understand who he is and where he is coming from. She said that if she were in his shoes, she would easily have done the same things he did, making forgiveness kind of a moot point.

I think it also had a profound affect on Roy Jenkins. He still believes in the reasons for the bombing. (Roy was a member of the Irish Republican Army, a terrorist organization). He was fighting the oppression of the British government. But he also feels great remorse towards the people that he hurt.

The parallels to Islamic terrorism are not hard to draw. The horrors we have seen in recent years, from car bombs to the suicide missions of the men who flew the planes on September 11th, are so easy to demonize. And yet, I can't help but think that at least some of these people are not simply unfeeling monsters. They care deeply about their cause. Shouldn't we take time to listen, to try to understand? I agree that negotiation with terrorists is fruitless, but how can we find peace if none of us are willing to try to understand each other?

Expectations

Last night I listened to "This American Life" on my new iPod. The stories on the show were Valentine themed, of course, but one really struck me. It was about the friendship between two young children who are transgender. Both are boys, physically, but they dress as girls, and see themselves as girls.

The parents of one of the boys spoke about how their son enjoyed playing with dolls at a very young age. He was always very flamboyant, and enjoyed dressing up. Being caring parents, they encouraged him to be who he wanted to be. Now their son is asking to be called their daughter.

My heart aches for these two young men. The other kids at school are brutal. They have very few friends. My heart also goes out to the parents. They want their children to be happy - to be comfortable in who they are.

And yet, these two children are boys. They may wish they were girls and feel more comfortable acting and dressing like girls, but ultimately, they are not girls.

What put this idea in the heads of these kids that they are inwardly girls despite the outward evidence to the contrary? Societal expectations. Boys don't like playing with dolls, right? Boys are tough and rough, right? Boys don't cry. Boys aren't sensitive. Boys like sports. Boys wear blue, not pink. Boys have short hair. Boys like guns and killing stuff.

To me it is so clear that there is evil here. Isn't it evil that a young man who doesn't fit our societal mold of man-ness is then convinced that despite his physical appearance he is somehow woman? At this young age, this child has been set on the path to be an outcast for the rest of his life, all because he doesn't fit into the mold our society has made for him.

The Importance of Evaluation

I spent the day today in a FranklinCovey seminar on "Focus." The first half of the seminar gave us a vision for why we need focus in our lives, the second half gave us practical ways for prioritizing and then maintaining our focus on the things that are truly important. (An hour of which was a blatant infomercial on the FranklinCovey Planner system. Yawn.)

My clear take away from today is that I spend too much of my time reacting and too little time planning. I've made to do lists, but my problem is that I don't check them regularly and evaluate my progress. I set reminders for an item, and then it just nags me and I eventually turn off the reminder and forget about it.

Here are some things I'm committing to do for at LEAST the next three weeks.
• Spend between 10 and 30 minutes each week planning for the upcoming week. For practical reasons, I'm blocking out Saturday mornings for this task.
• Schedule time at work to prioritize and schedule my day.
• Review the days tasks and appointments regularly (need to define what 'regularly' means)
• On worknights, head to bed around 9pm with a goal of sleeping at 10pm.
• Spend 5-10 minutes each evening reviewing my tasks and appointments and planning for the following day.

This is probably going to be a frustrating 3 weeks. Changing habits is difficult. I want to do this so I am the one choosing actively how I spend my time, rather than having it chosen for me.

Old Wives Tales

If you have an account on Facebook, you have probably been accosted by the "25 Random Things about Me" chain-posting going around. I have refused to respond, but my wife posted one a day or so ago. In it she included the following two items:

• The last time I wanted children was when I was 10. Doing Children's Theatre consistently for the past 15+ years makes me see both the beautiful and the ugly in children. But I have been asking God to change my heart if Todd & I are supposed to have any.
• I don't cook. I can, but I don't like to waste my time doing something that will be gone in 5-10 minutes. I'd rather make something that will last for a lifetime. Now, I will, however, bake.

Now, neither of these items were a surprise to me. Shondra makes a mean Mac and Cheese, and can do wonders for a frozen pizza, but if I want a good bowl of red, it's up to me. The kids issue I've discussed in previous posts.

One of her Facebook friends saw the list and posted the following: "...learn to cook! It's so rewarding! Then you might change your mind about having children."

At first, I just laughed. Cooking = desire to have children. Hilarious.

Shondra wanders around the house barefoot all the time and that hasn't seemed to have much of an impact. I guess barefoot = pregnant does not hold true.

Back to the cooking equation, though - I enjoy cooking, and I do want to have kids. That's a bit weird. Maybe there is something to it.

Honey... let's make some dinner together tonight. :)

Biological Clock

Apparently my biological clock is ticking. This isn't supposed to happen to guys, is it?

The wife and I have had the 'gloves off' for about 2 years and we're still childless. I wouldn't really say we're "trying" to have children, but we're not trying not to, if you get my double negative. We're both approaching 40, so our window of opportunity is getting narrower.

I feel this weird tension. It's nice not to have kids. I stay up late playing video games or watching the tube with my sweet wife. We sleep in on weekends and eat tortilla chips for dinner. On the other hand... it's hard to explain. My heart is just sad.

Yesterday while delivering pizza, I saw a father outside washing his car with his son and daughter. It wasn't some glorious fatherhood moment, but my heart just started aching.

One of the girls I work with found out she's pregnant recently. She's pretty young and newly married (one year anniversary coming up soon). She seems happy, but I know it has to be pretty scary for her and her husband. Neither of them have college degrees and both work at Papa John's. I know the money's got to be pretty tight. Initially I just felt angry when I found out she was pregnant.

Oh - my sister is pregnant too. She's a couple years younger than me and already has one daughter. That just pisses me off.

Several of my friends (and relatives who are friends :) have blogs which I read regularly. They all post pics of their kids with pithy kid stories. I really enjoy reading about their child-rearing escapades... their triumphs and their tragedies. But it also makes my heart ache.

Financially, the wife and I are just starting to make some headway. Whenever I think about having kids, I just see the bills stacking up in my mind. Clothing. Toys. Food. Diapers. Baby Wipes. More Clothes. More Food. I don't want to work at Papa John's for the rest of my life. I don't want to have kids and only get to spend a couple of hours a week with them (I have a feeling my wife doesn't want to have kids and only get a couple of hours a week AWAY from them.)

I appreciate your comments, but please don't say "having kids is totally worth it" or even "childlessness rocks!" This post isn't about deciding whether to have kids. I'm just hashing out this moment. Instead of being surprised by these feelings, or just reacting to them, I'm using this post to be at home with them.

This is me, today. The clock is ticking.

Disclaimer

I've been needing to do some writing for a while, but to be honest, I've become a bit concerned about my unknown readership on the Interwebs. My blog auto updates to my Facebook feed, so potentially anyone of my "friends" could read it. Some of my friends are also my co-workers, former students, fellow members of my church. One of them is my wife.

As I think about it, my growing fear is that all these people will see a glimpse of me without my 'custom personality editor' in place. When I am around some non-church-going friends, my language tends to be church-unfriendly. When I'm with my guy-friends I shoot a lot straighter than when I talk with my wife because I know that she's more sensitive to the way I say things, so I run a stronger editor.

I'd really like this blog to be a place where I could just leave the editor off. Unfortunately, I am not the only one in my life, and what I say here could potentially impact them, so I still need to be guarded. The bottom line is that I love my wife, my friends, and even some acquaintances. I don't want to hurt anybody just because I feel like spilling my guts. Now, if you want to take me out for a couple of beers and shoot the shit, I'm down with kicking the editor in the ass and talking straight.